For those who don’t watch Late Night with Conan O’Brien, he does this skit where he tries to predict the future in the retro-nebulous “year 2000”, where he and his guest (that’s Jack Black over there) shine a flashlight up their faces.

You know. Highbrow stuff.

And, for those of you who don’t waste their lives on Catholic blogs all day, the Curt Jester posts some pretty humorous articles on matters relating to the Church and its members.

You know. Catholic stuff.

At the link above, he posted a template for mainstream media types who wanted to publish their own hatchet-job news stories on the Traditional Mass and the Motu Proprio, but who didn’t want to work to find the usual lies and half-truths about these subjects on their own. Quite funny, and true.

That got me thinking, what could it be like in 50-100 years from now, when some fringe group of Catholics get “nostalgic” for the novus ordo and clamor for an indult for its use? Thus, without further ado, this story from the Year 2000– Motu Proprio edition:

Pope Set to Approve Wider Use of Forgotten “Vernacular” Mass

Boston (AP)– Don’t look now, but the Pope is set to ignore the advice of his Bishops and grant permission for the long-discarded novus ordo missae of 1969. The Vatican states that some people are nostalgic for this form of Mass, which was briefly in use in the late twentieth century prior to the restoration of the Church begun in the reign of Benedict XVI.

In the vernacular Mass the priest faces away from God and faces the congregation, reciting the prayers of Mass in a very loud voice, requiring almost continual verbal responses from the faithful, who are not allowed to enter into contemplative prayer and experience the deep inner participation of the Mass of the Ages.

“Because two to three generations of Catholics are accustomed to assisting at the Mass celebrated in the Church’s official and unifying language of Latin, it is unlikely most will want to switch to a liturgy that is less formal and conducted in the language they use at the flea market,” opined Fr. Jones of Catholic University.

The Holy Father is taking the Church back to before the restoration of Mass and removing the revitalizing norms set by Benedict XVI and subsequent Popes– a revitalization that most scholars agree brought about the reunification with the former Orthodox churches and increased the number of Catholics by 30 percent. Faithful Catholics are concerned.

The vernacular Mass dilutes the role of the priest by making everyone liable to be up at the altar, walking around the sanctuary like a used car showroom.
The vernacular Mass encourages each priest and congregation to make up their own rubrics to suit their particular mood of the day. In its most advanced stage, it takes the form of the “Clown Mass”.

The Pope has received considerable advice not to allow this use from most of the world’s bishops, excepting those in France and those in the U.S. northeast and California–long considered the hotbeds of heretical, “progressive” Catholicism in the past.

Catholics are wary because the vernacular Mass is associated with the schismatic groups Call to Action and Voice of the Faithful (sic), whose tiny numbers are offset by their incessant clamor for change. Many believe this move is designed to try to foist a reconciliation with these groups upon the world’s bishops.

The proponents of the vernacular Mass are said to number no more than 2 percent of Catholics, and polls show the majority of Catholics embrace the traditional restoration of decades ago. “There seems to be no demand for it,” said Fr. Jones.

“I totally dig the old guitar Masses, man,” said Moonbeam Johnson, age 87, of Orange County. “Holding hands at the Our Creator prayer, and helping break the bread and pass around the wine make me feel really good.”