Flush with success from its deal to purchase Anheuser-Busch, InBev announced today that it plans to take over operations of the St. Stanislaus Corporation.
Carlos Brito, InBev’s CEO, stated that St. Stan’s members were just the kind of target consumer group it needed to succeed. “We feel that the Polish immigrant crowd may be uneasy about drinking beer made by German immigrants. Because Germany invades Poland every 30 or so years, we thought they’d give Belgian beer a try.”
When informed that there were actually very few Polish people left in St. Stan’s and that it was largely populated by chardonnay-drinking leftists of varying levels of stability, Brito remarked, “Really? Well, hey, let me get back to you on that, OK?”
Instead of buying out St. Stan’s shareholders, InBev intends to run an opposition Board of Directors slate during elections this August. In what many analysts consider a bold move, and in a marked contrast to the Board proposed by would-be Moonie pastor Marek Bozek, InBev’s proposed Board will actually be made up of practicing Catholics.
“There was no way we could buy out St. Stan’s,” Brito said. “I mean, after all, it isn’t like buying out A-B. That only cost us $54 billion. But according to its spokesmen, St. Stan’s has like $9 trillion in assets, so there’s no way we could come close.”
If successful, Brito said InBev intends to evict Bozek from his recently purchased residence off site from St. Stan’s and use the property as a Polish beer and bingo hall to assist the company’s marketing efforts.
When asked to comment, soon-to-be-Mister Marek Bozek began to weep. “I don’t know why we are persecuted like this. I mean, we are open and inclusive and all that kind of thing, but I don’t want to lose my new bachelor pad.”
Saint Louis Catholic will update this story as events unfold.