Since no one has yet taken me up on my “ask thetimman” offer, I thought I would do what I do best–talk to myself and post it on the internet. Therefore, in a blatant rip-off of Bill McClellan, I publish the following fake correspondence addressing what’s on your mind:

Dear thetimman:

What is your beef with law enforcement, anyway? Are you one of those liberal puke criminal defense/greedy trial lawyers I was told to hate in political campaign ads? Or are you one of those anarcho-capitalist libertarian nut-jobs who think that highways and bridges spontaneously appear ex nihilo, and who deny original sin? In other words, what is your major malfunction? If I read another cop-beats-idiot-who-had-it-coming whine on your blog, I’m cancelling my subscription and demanding a refund.

— Go Back to Canada

Dear Go Back,

Nice to hear from you. I am not one of those you describe. I am not anti-police, but I am anti-misuse of power. It goes without saying that you shouldn’t verbally abuse a fellow human being. It just seems that if I electrocuted the person who verbally abused me, I might have to bring that matter to the confessional. If you still insist on a refund, I will send it to you. Just respond with your specific address, precinct and badge number.

Your friend,

P.S. Please don’t taze me.

Dear tin man,

The other seekers in my faith community were sitting around a bowl of steaming incense sharing our faith journeys during our weekly faith-rap, and the subject of right-wing bloggers came up. The current facilitator of the week said that you think women shouldn’t vote. I know your bigotry extends to womenpriests ™, but I can’t believe even you would be against women’s suffrage. Is it true?

–Hoping Your Faith Vision Excludes Misogyny

Dear Miss Ogyny,

Unfortunately, it’s true. I don’t think women should vote.

But don’t worry, I don’t think men should either.

Wishing you the best on your faith journey,

Dear thetimman,

You really do alienate a lot of real Catholics with your holier-than-thou rad-trad smugness. Isn’t it enough that Pope Benedict let you guys back into the Church (he didn’t ask me, btw), do you have to take it over? I like my good-old-reliable English language Mass. I like the music, too– I even play the tambourine in our Music Ministry Minstrels group. And the thought of kneeling down on these old legs with some priest’s hands trying to stick the bread on my tongue gives me the shakes. Leave the Mass alone!

–Sense of Irony Gene Missing

Dear Sense,

You simply don’t know what’s best for you. Let me and my team of like-minded liturgical experts tell what kind of Mass you get. Then wait several decades, because we know that these things always take a generation or so to really take effect. In the meantime, I would consider granting a limited indult for one novus ordo Mass a month (preferably on a Saturday, in a hotel, mausoleum or hospital chapel) for those persons who are stubbornly clinging to the old ways.

In the “Spirit of Trent”,

Dear Tim,

You don’t know me, but I read and enjoy your blog. “Timman”, hee hee. Anyway, I was perusing my latest issue of Latin Mass Magazine, and I noticed that only 72% of the women pictured were wearing chapel veils. I really, really, really like chapel veils. Do you?

Well anyway, I noticed in your Burroughs post, that none, and I mean none, of those girls wore any kind of head covering. None. And the rest of their attire was fairly scanty. Do think they should wear chapel veils? If they did, they might avoid that night in hell. And then some.

But I digress. my real question is this: what is your beef with law enforcement, anyway?

–Go Back to Canada

Dear Go Back,

I like veils.


Dear Ridiculous “Blagger” Who Calls Himself “thetimman”,

You chose lawyer bully Burke as Saint Louis Catholic of the Year in 2007 and 2008. Yet you didn’t chose no body for 2009. Could it be that you don’t dare choosing obvious winner for fear you are exposed as the losering man you are? Ha! Only one pastor growing and growing his church and opening communion with real christian types. Only one pastor with big-time endorsement deal with BMW. I still here but Burke not here. He is no here, right? Give me what I deserve.

–Mr. B

Dear Mr. B,

Forgive me for failing to post an update to the blog. I changed the title of the award last year to “Vatican Catholic of the Year.” The winner was Archbishop Burke.

Or, as you might say, “Rejoice, St. Louis; beware, rest of world.”

I’ll send him your kind regards.